Low light shots are the absolute bane of my existence. I do NOT like the long exposure times. That's impossible for me with musicians because they move so much, unless you are trying to create an effect. I want fast shutter times in live ambient light; high or low.
Damn it. That means another set of settings to change the f/ stop numbers. I need to spend an evening practicing. Maybe I could luck up and catch a storm off in the distance. I could call Billielee and see if she has a distant view. That's out near the Devil's Backbone. (NOT a night ride, because of all the deer.) Nah, I'd be imposing.
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Saturday, August 28, 2010
Catching up
So what was going on a couple of weeks ago? The only way I can describe it is as a full-on Tropical Depression, and not of the weather kind.
For weeks I have been posting about the weather, and everyone asks me, or talks to me about it, not realizing the cliché. (When someone talks about the weather there is usually something personal they'd rather talk about.)
Odd, but I really didn't want to talk about what was going on with me then. So many lessons were being thrown at me. I couldn't keep up with it all.
Bottom line is that I have loved people, but I have not allowed myself to be in love for 12 years. I think I finally understand love like an Inuit understands snow.
I still don't know if I am ready, but I think I am becoming more and more open to it every day. I need to let someone in. I admit that I have high expectations, yet they are in range. It's amazing number of people that a simple rule like "no cheating" offends. LOL I've spent a large part of my adult life with cheaters. You will not get away with it. So, just fess up, leave me my power of choice. That is an issue that I feel very strongly about. I have had people swear on a stack of bibles that I was cheating on them, and it couldn't have been further from the truth. They were actually the ones doing the cheating. In my life there is zero tolerance for finding out about it on my own. Be an adult. If you're even thinking of cheating, finish what is on your plate before you fill up another one, ya know? I think it is the simplest and kindest courtesy you can give another human.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
For weeks I have been posting about the weather, and everyone asks me, or talks to me about it, not realizing the cliché. (When someone talks about the weather there is usually something personal they'd rather talk about.)
Odd, but I really didn't want to talk about what was going on with me then. So many lessons were being thrown at me. I couldn't keep up with it all.
Bottom line is that I have loved people, but I have not allowed myself to be in love for 12 years. I think I finally understand love like an Inuit understands snow.
I still don't know if I am ready, but I think I am becoming more and more open to it every day. I need to let someone in. I admit that I have high expectations, yet they are in range. It's amazing number of people that a simple rule like "no cheating" offends. LOL I've spent a large part of my adult life with cheaters. You will not get away with it. So, just fess up, leave me my power of choice. That is an issue that I feel very strongly about. I have had people swear on a stack of bibles that I was cheating on them, and it couldn't have been further from the truth. They were actually the ones doing the cheating. In my life there is zero tolerance for finding out about it on my own. Be an adult. If you're even thinking of cheating, finish what is on your plate before you fill up another one, ya know? I think it is the simplest and kindest courtesy you can give another human.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Training Days Pt 1
I've been consistent with the way I have trained Bayo. My Mom says that I talk to her like a small child. I agree because technically she is roughly 3 years old mentally. She can be quiet all day then have a melt down over nothing, she only seems to want to talk to me when I am on the phone, a good meal makes her pass out, and it's food in food out. I call meal time "reloading."
I am loving this dog. She is a pure jackass sometimes, but when she is being sweet it is just southern belle drippy sweet. Totally has me wrapped around her finger. Alas, she fell in love with a big black man named Duke. (He is a lab-something huge, probably Great Dane mix, LOL). He makes her goofy.
The funny part is that I feel like I am growing up another step with the way this dog is teaching me about love. Occasionally, you want to play with someone who only barks at you, and other times, you get to be goofy and show your feelings, and still with all the growing, it will still be ok to run to Mama cause she loves you regardless and will keep you safe from the scary kitty.
I am beginning to open up more and it feels good. I had myself in a nasty mood a couple of weeks ago, and just didn't feel like writing about it. I will in time. there are still lessons coming from it.
Oh well time for sleep. If you want to hear about something else, just let me know.
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I am loving this dog. She is a pure jackass sometimes, but when she is being sweet it is just southern belle drippy sweet. Totally has me wrapped around her finger. Alas, she fell in love with a big black man named Duke. (He is a lab-something huge, probably Great Dane mix, LOL). He makes her goofy.
The funny part is that I feel like I am growing up another step with the way this dog is teaching me about love. Occasionally, you want to play with someone who only barks at you, and other times, you get to be goofy and show your feelings, and still with all the growing, it will still be ok to run to Mama cause she loves you regardless and will keep you safe from the scary kitty.
I am beginning to open up more and it feels good. I had myself in a nasty mood a couple of weeks ago, and just didn't feel like writing about it. I will in time. there are still lessons coming from it.
Oh well time for sleep. If you want to hear about something else, just let me know.
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The Steppes of My Mind
This sweet puppy is chasing big dogs in her dreams. She has adopted a new habit of crawling up on the couch with me and napping in the evenings.
It's a totally new experience. She just settles in and passes out. She needs to be touching me with some part of her body, and she likes to bury her head.
The sun is about to come up. I should wake her and take her out to go. She's sound asleep. Part of me wants to curl her up into her house, and call it a night. The other part knows better. She will show her ass until I take her out.
Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
It's a totally new experience. She just settles in and passes out. She needs to be touching me with some part of her body, and she likes to bury her head.
The sun is about to come up. I should wake her and take her out to go. She's sound asleep. Part of me wants to curl her up into her house, and call it a night. The other part knows better. She will show her ass until I take her out.
Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Monday, July 5, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
The two-ton bomb
Admittedly, America woke up on 9/11 to the rules of engagement having changed. Yes, planes were always full of jet fuel, but no one had ever used it as a bomb.
I have realized the same thing about cars. People get in them, and forget that they are, for all intents and purposes, weapons. They text, talk, eat, slap their children, apply make up, shave and even read.
I think the thing that gets the most is that everyone thinks selfishly. Their tasks are more important, they have to get to their job faster, they must go as fast as they possibly can.
Not only was I rear-ended today, I was nearly run off the road by a driver who obviously thought he was the only one on the road. However, the crowning glory for today was an Escalade Asshole, who barreled by me to enter the highway, to skip 2 traffic lights, then exited 3 exits later to by pass the fact that the highway is forced to stop by people entering the highway from the right. He ended up 4 cars ahead of me, and I just wonder if it was really worth it?
It is worth my life? Is it worth the life of a child? Is any phone conversation worth carrying the guilt of having killed someone, or in some states, distracted driving deaths are charged as manslaughter, and depending on the circumstances it can be charged as second degree murder. Is that cheeseburger worth it?
Just slow the Hell down, pay attention, and remember that the universe may be keeping you from a wreck, and rushing will only get you there faster.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
I have realized the same thing about cars. People get in them, and forget that they are, for all intents and purposes, weapons. They text, talk, eat, slap their children, apply make up, shave and even read.
I think the thing that gets the most is that everyone thinks selfishly. Their tasks are more important, they have to get to their job faster, they must go as fast as they possibly can.
Not only was I rear-ended today, I was nearly run off the road by a driver who obviously thought he was the only one on the road. However, the crowning glory for today was an Escalade Asshole, who barreled by me to enter the highway, to skip 2 traffic lights, then exited 3 exits later to by pass the fact that the highway is forced to stop by people entering the highway from the right. He ended up 4 cars ahead of me, and I just wonder if it was really worth it?
It is worth my life? Is it worth the life of a child? Is any phone conversation worth carrying the guilt of having killed someone, or in some states, distracted driving deaths are charged as manslaughter, and depending on the circumstances it can be charged as second degree murder. Is that cheeseburger worth it?
Just slow the Hell down, pay attention, and remember that the universe may be keeping you from a wreck, and rushing will only get you there faster.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Monday, June 28, 2010
Another day, another dog
She's starting to perk up a good bit, and wanting to play. I've decided that this is not going to be a dumb dog, and have changed her over to a high grade food, Nutro Ultra. Funny, her poops straightened right out, and she was incredibly playful this afternoon, even though I really wasn't.
She, all in all, has been an exceptional experience with a puppy. I am actually pretty impressed with her. Five weeks old, and she doesn't mind her leash, mostly "does her bidness" outside, loves Bunny my year-old kitten, and doesn't mind her crate. She hasn't responded to people food, and has developed this particular grunt when she prefers to go outside instead of her training pads. She has also learned that if she poops in her bed, she gets a bath, and only has a binky instead of her giant fluffy bed. I'm even getting her used to a little puppy yoga when she gets up in the morning.
Now, if I could just get her to stop gnawing on me when she thinks it's play time. Instead of the chew toy, about 30% of the time, she goes right for my hand. She answers to my whistle every time, and is almost coming to her name on a regular basis.
Temple Grandin was absolutely right about animals being wary of or distracted by shadows. Occasionally, Bayo sees mine on the trees and stops dead in her tracks. Also, if there is too much noise in the breezeway, she balks. Mostly, she hasn't shown fear apart from those two things, and the jackass who refuses to put his 80 retriever mix on a leash.
I love this dog. She's going to be a great character in my life.
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She, all in all, has been an exceptional experience with a puppy. I am actually pretty impressed with her. Five weeks old, and she doesn't mind her leash, mostly "does her bidness" outside, loves Bunny my year-old kitten, and doesn't mind her crate. She hasn't responded to people food, and has developed this particular grunt when she prefers to go outside instead of her training pads. She has also learned that if she poops in her bed, she gets a bath, and only has a binky instead of her giant fluffy bed. I'm even getting her used to a little puppy yoga when she gets up in the morning.
Now, if I could just get her to stop gnawing on me when she thinks it's play time. Instead of the chew toy, about 30% of the time, she goes right for my hand. She answers to my whistle every time, and is almost coming to her name on a regular basis.
Temple Grandin was absolutely right about animals being wary of or distracted by shadows. Occasionally, Bayo sees mine on the trees and stops dead in her tracks. Also, if there is too much noise in the breezeway, she balks. Mostly, she hasn't shown fear apart from those two things, and the jackass who refuses to put his 80 retriever mix on a leash.
I love this dog. She's going to be a great character in my life.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Fruitcake Flypaper
I think my last foray into dating was disastrous. There has been a pattern developing that I don't care for.
I have had a test every Friday, for the last 12 weeks. They stress me out and this is somewhat of a turning point in my career, so they stress me out in a more than normal way, considering that this is a class that is taught in 3 languages.
So this "relationship" has been, start to apparent finish in 49 days. Yeah you read that right. So in this time, I have been absolutely blasted for wanting time to myself to study. I have been told that I have time for everything but this relationship. Frankly, it's true. In my five year tenure at this school, there has been one person who actually got that I needed to be left the hell alone when I have said that I needed to study. The rest of them? Oh hell no. My study time is when they have invented these sudden, urgent, needs to be up my metaphoric ass as far as they can get. Text messages, calls, long fucking emails, etc. Relentlessly crossing a simple boundary so many times it drives me to aggressively defend it. Then, it becomes all my fault.
I was asked why I even considered getting into a relationship if I had no time for it. I distinctly recall our very first face to face conversation included how fucking busy I was with school. She barreled on ahead, so focused on the goal of possessing me, she listened to nothing.
I also described the amount of time I had been by myself, and the reluctance of getting into another relationship if it was going to end up being the same old shit. But here is the problem. She didn't listen to shit I said and is blaming me for being difficult. The problem is that I am being me, and if I have to change to accommodate someone, then that isn't the right someone. I do believe in compromise, but not a change of the basal character. This applies to her as well. I don't see any reason to engage in tit-for- tat, even though there is ample opportunity to engage in it. I don't have the time for that shit. Everything was fine until I started needing time for me. BIG PROBLEM.
Now this person has a very recent history of dating someone who was dating someone else at the same time. She felt put on the back burner very often, and even when I have pointed out that this is what she is doing, she can't see that she is blasting me with the words she didn't have the courage to blast the other person with.
Bottom line, that shit is not my problem, and I was not put on this earth to be the end-all, be-all for anyone. My god I am so disappointed that this shit goes on so late in life. I cannot change the way she is, I can only change myself. I have been the chameleon in so many relationships, and six months down the road after I have changed to be the person they wanted, instead of who I am, they realized that they weren't in love with me any mo because I wasn't the person they fell in love with, failing to realize that all of their little tweaks, like telling me who to hang out with, and what and where to write things, had squashed the personality they fell for. Few are evolved enough to realize that is what happens.
I am tired of it. Sick to death of it, and would actually rather be alone than to have to play such a childish game. Seriously, it is take me as I am becoming, or fuck off.
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I have had a test every Friday, for the last 12 weeks. They stress me out and this is somewhat of a turning point in my career, so they stress me out in a more than normal way, considering that this is a class that is taught in 3 languages.
So this "relationship" has been, start to apparent finish in 49 days. Yeah you read that right. So in this time, I have been absolutely blasted for wanting time to myself to study. I have been told that I have time for everything but this relationship. Frankly, it's true. In my five year tenure at this school, there has been one person who actually got that I needed to be left the hell alone when I have said that I needed to study. The rest of them? Oh hell no. My study time is when they have invented these sudden, urgent, needs to be up my metaphoric ass as far as they can get. Text messages, calls, long fucking emails, etc. Relentlessly crossing a simple boundary so many times it drives me to aggressively defend it. Then, it becomes all my fault.
I was asked why I even considered getting into a relationship if I had no time for it. I distinctly recall our very first face to face conversation included how fucking busy I was with school. She barreled on ahead, so focused on the goal of possessing me, she listened to nothing.
I also described the amount of time I had been by myself, and the reluctance of getting into another relationship if it was going to end up being the same old shit. But here is the problem. She didn't listen to shit I said and is blaming me for being difficult. The problem is that I am being me, and if I have to change to accommodate someone, then that isn't the right someone. I do believe in compromise, but not a change of the basal character. This applies to her as well. I don't see any reason to engage in tit-for- tat, even though there is ample opportunity to engage in it. I don't have the time for that shit. Everything was fine until I started needing time for me. BIG PROBLEM.
Now this person has a very recent history of dating someone who was dating someone else at the same time. She felt put on the back burner very often, and even when I have pointed out that this is what she is doing, she can't see that she is blasting me with the words she didn't have the courage to blast the other person with.
Bottom line, that shit is not my problem, and I was not put on this earth to be the end-all, be-all for anyone. My god I am so disappointed that this shit goes on so late in life. I cannot change the way she is, I can only change myself. I have been the chameleon in so many relationships, and six months down the road after I have changed to be the person they wanted, instead of who I am, they realized that they weren't in love with me any mo because I wasn't the person they fell in love with, failing to realize that all of their little tweaks, like telling me who to hang out with, and what and where to write things, had squashed the personality they fell for. Few are evolved enough to realize that is what happens.
I am tired of it. Sick to death of it, and would actually rather be alone than to have to play such a childish game. Seriously, it is take me as I am becoming, or fuck off.
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Blisfully single, with dog
I have had a few emotional days of late. I have had a slightly upset stomach from it, and think I have given it to the puppy, as she is having some difficulties today.
I was making an attempt at having a relationship white attending school, and of course it's demise is all my fault. I can't help that I have days where no human contact is necessary. There are several events in my past that have created this, and no matter what I say to communicate this, it never translates. I'm not cheating, I don't have anything to hide. I just like a day to myself where the phone isn't ringing, no one is texting, and I can turn off my email notifications.
I guess I have grown up to the point that if someone is going to be in my life, I don't want it to be from a place of need. My cats need me as service personnel, and generally leave me alone unless the food or water troughs are empty. The puppy is another story. They are very needy. They want to be loved. They need to be reassured. I get that in a dog. No matter how old they are they are mentally between 5 and 8 years old ( in boy years),
It is not easy for me to let people in. It's been five years since I have even wanted a dog in my life because some days I don't even have room for me in my life. I have had a shitty relationship track record. The only common denominator is me. So, I am for the first time, blissfully single with dog.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
I was making an attempt at having a relationship white attending school, and of course it's demise is all my fault. I can't help that I have days where no human contact is necessary. There are several events in my past that have created this, and no matter what I say to communicate this, it never translates. I'm not cheating, I don't have anything to hide. I just like a day to myself where the phone isn't ringing, no one is texting, and I can turn off my email notifications.
I guess I have grown up to the point that if someone is going to be in my life, I don't want it to be from a place of need. My cats need me as service personnel, and generally leave me alone unless the food or water troughs are empty. The puppy is another story. They are very needy. They want to be loved. They need to be reassured. I get that in a dog. No matter how old they are they are mentally between 5 and 8 years old ( in boy years),
It is not easy for me to let people in. It's been five years since I have even wanted a dog in my life because some days I don't even have room for me in my life. I have had a shitty relationship track record. The only common denominator is me. So, I am for the first time, blissfully single with dog.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Location:Barbrook Dr,Austin,United States
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Being adopted by a dog
I just adopted the first puppy that I will raise by myself. She is also the first puppy that I've had at a young enough age that all her bad habits will be mine. She is completely adorable, and at 4 weeks, I think it's pretty miraculous that she has had only 2 "accidents" inside the house. I'm just plain impressed with that, and I'll tell you why.
I have never thought of myself as a dog person. They have always appeared to be so needy, and to have such bad behaviors. But, I think that most of that stems from bad owners. Often, dog owners in my history have allowed bad habits to develop and have done nothing about it. Or, they have treated the dog better than the people in their lives. The latter I totally get now, but the former, it's like those maniacal people of Walmart who allow their children to run rip-shit all over the store. Bad behavior is bad behavior no matter the species.
I have been in several relationships that resulted in 'me or the dog'. Hell, I would choose my dog over some people. LOL! I have also learned that certain breeds have inherent bad habits. Take for instance the Beagle. Wicked smart, but more stubborn than a mule. They are trainable until they change their minds, and rare to control their baying. Mutts are far smarter than most pure breeds. Shar Pei's are just plain expensive. They run between $1600 and $3200 for a puppy, and they have many health problems such as irritations between their skin folds, and their eyelashes often grow into the inside of their eyes, and it has to be corrected surgically.
Great Danes have to have their own house. The Kuvasz will constantly attempt to increase their kingdom. Border collies tend to develop nervous tics if they don't have a job, as do retrievers. The list goes ad nauseum.
What breed did I choose? A Boxer, because I love big dogs, and they are a perfect combination of goofy and smart. Of course I am going to be prejudiced because she is mine! Boxers have a tendency to jump, get bored easy and lots to say. I have had mine for 3 whole days now, and she answers to her name, comes to my whistle, is great on her leash, uses the provided grass for her 'business' and is just the sweetest little thing.
She has puppy pads in her kennel, because I have to be gone for several hours at a time, but she tells me when she needs to go, and yesterday, I took a long nap and she went in her kennel. I didn't fuss at her because it was my fault, but she was so guilty looking, and embarrassed at it, I couldn't help but to laugh.
I have been pretty heavy- handed with dogs before, admittedly, because a few of them just had horrible manners. By heavy- handed, I mean little to no tolerance, the occasional swipe to the ass, and the Big Angry Voice. Dogs are just too sensitive to respond positively to that. Cats are assholes and can take it, because they know that the second you're done yelling at them, they're going to leave you a little 'dinner mint' on your favorite shoe or pillow the second you're done with your tantrum. Dogs can't tell time, or count, but they will remember someone who even remotely looks like a person who has been mean to them.
So what happens if I can't train my dog out of a few bad habits? Instead of laughing and saying "oh that's just a dog being a dog," I will apologize for the offense, pay for damages (oddly, few offer this), gently keep correcting her, and love her just the same. I can already tell that she is going to train fast, and she is going to be loyal, in a way most humans are incapable. I can't believe that I am already so in love with her I just want to kiss her head all the time. Maybe I have finally grown up, and learned the patience necessary to raise her in a loving, mutually protective home. Maybe we were meant to teach each other. All I know is who couldn't love a face like this?
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
I have never thought of myself as a dog person. They have always appeared to be so needy, and to have such bad behaviors. But, I think that most of that stems from bad owners. Often, dog owners in my history have allowed bad habits to develop and have done nothing about it. Or, they have treated the dog better than the people in their lives. The latter I totally get now, but the former, it's like those maniacal people of Walmart who allow their children to run rip-shit all over the store. Bad behavior is bad behavior no matter the species.
I have been in several relationships that resulted in 'me or the dog'. Hell, I would choose my dog over some people. LOL! I have also learned that certain breeds have inherent bad habits. Take for instance the Beagle. Wicked smart, but more stubborn than a mule. They are trainable until they change their minds, and rare to control their baying. Mutts are far smarter than most pure breeds. Shar Pei's are just plain expensive. They run between $1600 and $3200 for a puppy, and they have many health problems such as irritations between their skin folds, and their eyelashes often grow into the inside of their eyes, and it has to be corrected surgically.
Great Danes have to have their own house. The Kuvasz will constantly attempt to increase their kingdom. Border collies tend to develop nervous tics if they don't have a job, as do retrievers. The list goes ad nauseum.
What breed did I choose? A Boxer, because I love big dogs, and they are a perfect combination of goofy and smart. Of course I am going to be prejudiced because she is mine! Boxers have a tendency to jump, get bored easy and lots to say. I have had mine for 3 whole days now, and she answers to her name, comes to my whistle, is great on her leash, uses the provided grass for her 'business' and is just the sweetest little thing.
She has puppy pads in her kennel, because I have to be gone for several hours at a time, but she tells me when she needs to go, and yesterday, I took a long nap and she went in her kennel. I didn't fuss at her because it was my fault, but she was so guilty looking, and embarrassed at it, I couldn't help but to laugh.
I have been pretty heavy- handed with dogs before, admittedly, because a few of them just had horrible manners. By heavy- handed, I mean little to no tolerance, the occasional swipe to the ass, and the Big Angry Voice. Dogs are just too sensitive to respond positively to that. Cats are assholes and can take it, because they know that the second you're done yelling at them, they're going to leave you a little 'dinner mint' on your favorite shoe or pillow the second you're done with your tantrum. Dogs can't tell time, or count, but they will remember someone who even remotely looks like a person who has been mean to them.
So what happens if I can't train my dog out of a few bad habits? Instead of laughing and saying "oh that's just a dog being a dog," I will apologize for the offense, pay for damages (oddly, few offer this), gently keep correcting her, and love her just the same. I can already tell that she is going to train fast, and she is going to be loyal, in a way most humans are incapable. I can't believe that I am already so in love with her I just want to kiss her head all the time. Maybe I have finally grown up, and learned the patience necessary to raise her in a loving, mutually protective home. Maybe we were meant to teach each other. All I know is who couldn't love a face like this?
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Location:Barbrook Dr,Austin,United States
Thursday, March 25, 2010
I really don't want to deal with HTML so I am going to deal without the paragraph indention feature. I am certain that at some point it will matter to me, but today it does not. Yesterday's writing was not as cathartic as I had hoped, but I oddly do feel better today, in general. I sit here at this desk sometimes 8-10 hours at a time, only getting up for nature, yet when I go to school, I can't sit for an hour without my legs getting all hinky. I think it's the chair. I do love this chair, but I am probably going to have to get a new one, as Bunny has chosen it as her scratching/ get mommy mad/ negative attention loop post. She really is a sweet kitten, but damn if she doesn't have a gift for getting under my skin when I need it the least.
Today is a study day, but I don't want to. I do not want to sit in class all day tomorrow. I am so tired of this routine. It has been five years now, and I am incredibly sick of never really being able to let go of it and not have something hanging over my head. This is a difficult passage through school. I absolutely cannot stand being forced to sit and be read to. Few of the instructors have teacher training. They get the job by being Doctors in their field. Mostly, classes consist of Death by Powerpoint. We get them, print them, then they read them to us. I would hope, that by the Graduate School level that a person has learned to read. Because the school is newly SACS (Southern Association of Colleges and Schools) they have this maniacal attendance policy. If it is a practical course you may mis ONE in 3 months. If it is didactic, you may miss two. I struggle with it because my health fluctuates, I think, partly due to the constant stress. At any rate, it is safe to say that I would rather almost do anything than have to sit in class all day tomorrow. Enough of that.
I am glad that I am back in the writing game. I've missed it.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Anger management
I have been really angry with someone because I expected too much of them. I tend to have high standards when it comes to being up front about things. I have been angry for a while, and can't address the issue with the person without looking like an ass. I have tried writing 'the letter I'll never send.' I have tried dreaming into it, and I am still stuck in the same place, of being just mad about the way things went down, and the same things continue to get glossed over.
So I have to weigh being thought of as a trouble-maker against being heard. It is not my place to point out the things that are wrong with another person, but I feel like there are two sides to the story, and that this person is so well thought of that I would look like a fool for not believing the lie. That and the major issue is not my cat to let out of the bag. No one is asking me anything because they think that they know what happened.
Admittedly, no one cares but me. It's had me absolutely in the dumps. I don't even look through one friend's pictures anymore because The Stranger is in many of them. So what really is the basal issue? Do I just need to be heard? Do I need her to be wrong? Do I need to say these things out loud? I think what feels so wrong is that I don't know what it is I need from this.
What I do know is that I spent nearly 4 months with someone who was capable of hiding something pretty significant, and someone who was over 45 and made some incredibly immature decisions. I am frustrated because I went through stuff like this with people when I was 23, and I certainly didn't expect it at 43. Has everyone tried so hard to retain their youth that they have only retained the bad stuff? I am incredibly disappointed. Furthermore, I feel like I wasted 4 months of my life. Maybe that is it after all. Maybe it is the sub-surface scattering of emotion each time we are in a room together. It feels icky.
Many hurtful things were said, yet the most hurtful thing was the call, and announcement that I would be deleted from all of her social networking sites. She saw how I reacted to another person deleting me, and so that was her first act of separation. Not only did she delete me, she BLOCKED me. Why? To be more hurtful. And who instructed her non-computer-savvy ass how to do it? Because she didn't know shit about FB until I came into her life. Now she knows everything. Too funny.
Yes, I had asked her about some things that she'd said, and about a few of her friends because I felt that her integrity was getting lower by the minute. She said that she was "doing it (the deletion) for [my] mental health." Fuck that, she was doing it for hers because the truth had no place in the ever-growing field of lies. For instance, I had gone out with someone, and it was this twisted interlacing of personas, yet I was chided into deleting this person from my friend list, 'to keep it real,' yet she was retained on hers. Bad blood there, but whatever. Frankly, I am actually waiting on the conversation to start, and it never will.
I have to get through this because I want to move on with fluidity. This is not someone, with whom I would normally cross paths, however because of my choices we are often in the same space with the regularity of once or twice a month. There is an event coming up that is just a breeding ground for tension, and I am somewhat waiting to be asked to find other arrangements for where I will stay that weekend at her request. I may ask someone who is driving to take a bag for me, because if it gets stupid, I want an option to get out of it. This is one of those 'mark my word' situations, yet containing the depth of not wanting it to happen. Hopefully this is going to be one of those entries that gets lost in the plethora of writing and no one will ever see it, yet I needed it said somewhere other than the space that it has been taking up in my head. So there.
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