Anger management

Dear god! What it takes to get a blog deleted from this place! At any rate, here I am starting another one. I'm glad for that, as the other one had run it's course. I think that's why I haven't been writing much lately. Well, that and my mama told me to shut up unless I had something nice to say, and I haven't had anything nice to say lately.

I have been really angry with someone because I expected too much of them. I tend to have high standards when it comes to being up front about things. I have been angry for a while, and can't address the issue with the person without looking like an ass. I have tried writing 'the letter I'll never send.' I have tried dreaming into it, and I am still stuck in the same place, of being just mad about the way things went down, and the same things continue to get glossed over.

So I have to weigh being thought of as a trouble-maker against being heard. It is not my place to point out the things that are wrong with another person, but I feel like there are two sides to the story, and that this person is so well thought of that I would look like a fool for not believing the lie. That and the major issue is not my cat to let out of the bag. No one is asking me anything because they think that they know what happened.

Admittedly, no one cares but me. It's had me absolutely in the dumps. I don't even look through one friend's pictures anymore because The Stranger is in many of them. So what really is the basal issue? Do I just need to be heard? Do I need her to be wrong? Do I need to say these things out loud? I think what feels so wrong is that I don't know what it is I need from this.

What I do know is that I spent nearly 4 months with someone who was capable of hiding something pretty significant, and someone who was over 45 and made some incredibly immature decisions. I am frustrated because I went through stuff like this with people when I was 23, and I certainly didn't expect it at 43. Has everyone tried so hard to retain their youth that they have only retained the bad stuff? I am incredibly disappointed. Furthermore, I feel like I wasted 4 months of my life. Maybe that is it after all. Maybe it is the sub-surface scattering of emotion each time we are in a room together. It feels icky.

Many hurtful things were said, yet the most hurtful thing was the call, and announcement that I would be deleted from all of her social networking sites. She saw how I reacted to another person deleting me, and so that was her first act of separation. Not only did she delete me, she BLOCKED me. Why? To be more hurtful. And who instructed her non-computer-savvy ass how to do it? Because she didn't know shit about FB until I came into her life. Now she knows everything. Too funny.

Yes, I had asked her about some things that she'd said, and about a few of her friends because I felt that her integrity was getting lower by the minute. She said that she was "doing it (the deletion) for [my] mental health." Fuck that, she was doing it for hers because the truth had no place in the ever-growing field of lies. For instance, I had gone out with someone, and it was this twisted interlacing of personas, yet I was chided into deleting this person from my friend list, 'to keep it real,' yet she was retained on hers. Bad blood there, but whatever. Frankly, I am actually waiting on the conversation to start, and it never will.

I have to get through this because I want to move on with fluidity. This is not someone, with whom I would normally cross paths, however because of my choices we are often in the same space with the regularity of once or twice a month. There is an event coming up that is just a breeding ground for tension, and I am somewhat waiting to be asked to find other arrangements for where I will stay that weekend at her request. I may ask someone who is driving to take a bag for me, because if it gets stupid, I want an option to get out of it. This is one of those 'mark my word' situations, yet containing the depth of not wanting it to happen. Hopefully this is going to be one of those entries that gets lost in the plethora of writing and no one will ever see it, yet I needed it said somewhere other than the space that it has been taking up in my head. So there.