New and Unused

Finally! No one cares what I think! All my life I have been working to ostracize myself into oblivion, and I've levied the final state tax on ever having a social life again. I've pissed off everyone to the point that I can't even get a ride to an appointment 9 miles from my house in my own car. Do I feel self-pity? Not a damn drop. Seriously. I have gone out of my fucking way to maintain every fucking friendship I have ever had as long as I have been alive, broken myself physically and fiscally to do so, and where are they now? Not the fuck here. I stop, the relationship stops. It is really ok. It's become such a fucking hassle with all these damn high maintenance people today, and their -isms and made-up phobias, and neuroses. I cannot keep up. Hell, I have trouble keeping up with names of new people any more. I admit to being jaded against the "friends" I made in the Deep South because for the first time, they made me discern, and use the term loosely, whereas before, I used it freely.
That said, I have been incredibly resistant to metering my thoughts about new people. I want them, but I don't. I am right in the middle of the fence. I want it to be easy like it used to be, but I know it's not because I've tried. It seems like work. I don't just click with anyone any more because my standards are higher, and my tolerance for bullshit is zero. I haven't really left my home so that's made it even harder for meet people. It's worked out because I haven't had the energy to meet new folks, and the hurt from the broken friendships were still stinging, so no need to punish the new folks with the baggage of the old folks. It gave me time to get to know myself again outside the shadow of a relationship, so that was good it a great number of ways. I didn't used to be complicated, but it appears that I am, or I just lied to myself for a very long time.

So, in the attempt to meet new people, I opened up my old profile on OKCupid as the half-assed fluke it did turn out to be. However, it was where I found the woman I want to be with. She actually found me. She found me and messaged me a month ago. I would have never guessed her to be interested because of the age difference (15y), and her being cute as hell. I say that because most of the women I've been contacted by on there have just been strange as Hell. Over-size, aggressive, flat affect, beige; not FlyersFan. She's dynamic, and animated, but boy she has a hyperbolic temper, especially when it comes to things I say via text. She has blown up on me a few times about things that SHE has misunderstood, but fuck me if she could ever admit to being wrong. So the one night she is open and vulnerable and willing to talk, I'm asleep. Any other time, I'm just fucking... The red-headed step child. I can't say anything right, and then she somehow turns it back on me that I'm being insecure. I'm supposed to believe that today she's been asleep for 8 hours and hasn't had shit to say. I finally say some things I've been wanting to say, and I get silence and the cold shoulder. Why am I doing this to myself?
It should be so easy. I'm a good person. I'm easy to get along with. I've bent over backwards for her. Still, she pushes me away. I don't get it. She keeps pulling back, telling me I am insecure. Yet, I don't feel insecure. I feel disappointed, rejected, somehow less than. I look around, there's no competition, so it's even more insulting. I'd understand if there were some younger, slimmer cutie involved in the picture. To my knowledge, there isn't . But, my knowledge is limited at best. I know nothing. You know what? I laid it out there today, it didn't get thrown back in my face, it didn't get lobbed over the proverbial fence. It laid there like a well-hidden Easter egg waiting for a weed eater to crack it open and release the decay a year later.
I don't know. I think sleep is in order. I've thought too much today and my head hurts among other things that don't matter. It'll be ok. I'm that survivor. I always end up floating and ok, no matter what happens.


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Location:Winston Salem,United States

Times, they are a changing

We just had Lovey's 19 year-old son (+1) and nephew down (or over, depending on where you're from) for the weekend. He is leaving for the military this week, and his +1 ran the whole weekend. We are calling her his +1, because names fade here, we don't want to give her fame, and well, we think it's a temporary thing. Anyway, she showed her true colors. Obviously from money "We don't qualify for grants even with 3 kids in college," and her damned pickiness with food. Home girl will eat HOT DOGS, but not 'red meat', and will eat HEB (grocery chain) blender chicken patties, but not whole thighs because 'that's dark meat.' DAFUQ?
At 19, she  is less mature than our 12 year-old. Every meal, she had some not-afore-mentioned dietary requirement, and seemed put off by all of our choices, which, as the Son is leaving, were all HIS requests. Poor nephew seemed to be the 7th wheel, and took off Sunday, before 9 when the rest of the house got up. She steered clear of the adults on Sunday, and they left Sunday night after toobing (a Texas thang) for 5 hours, they left at almost 9:30 because she hadn't seen her family in two weeks.

ragecomics©

He is leaving for the military, will be gone 14 weeks, and WE don't know when we will see him again, but she has to go see her mommy cause they are having a BBQ today. 

+1 also stated that she cannot watch 'scary movies' because she then would need to sleep with her parents. At Nineteen. Even now. 

ragecomics©

Meh. 

That said, I'm glad R and D were here. I'm happy about his choices in rate, and I am confident that he knows what he is doing. That is a good feeling, because I was fairly sure he'd signed up for infantry and I would have to lie to his mom for 4 years. I am on the fence about +1 just because, not for her eating choices, of her attitude when the choices were there. I chalk it all up to "Home-Training Saunders Style," because she wasn't brought up to speak up BEFORE we went shopping, only until the meal was complete. That may be a new blog. Home Training Saunders Style. I like it. Oh well, enough for today. 

I'm the "crazy cunt"?/ Circus of Dysfunctionality

Full credit to Casey Anthony's ex for coming up with the term "Circus of Dysfunctionality." I love it and am going to use it with relish for the events in my life that have occurred over the previous 8 weeks. 
It's so hard to even explain, but I absolutely need to purge. New things are coming into my life and I want my plate clean. I need to get rid of the old to make room for the new, and today has been an especially rough day. 
My ex has been using the term "crazy cunt" for me. I have been respectful to a fault, apart from calling her actions crazy, and nutsack, and batshit crazy, and have made attempts at maintaining the friendship, but she can't seem to let up. She demands everything. There is no asking. There is no real need, just demands. She demands attention with multiple suicide attempts. When she knows that I am with friends (not her) and then demands attention, and doesn't get what she wants, when she wants, I get all the mental shit that rolls downhill. Seriously, 100 texts in one day, voice mails of increasing severity, accusations, and twists in imagination that rival the writing in psychological thrillers. 
SHE is putting our mutual friends in a position of 'being in the middle'. SHE talks about "all [her] friends who have been 'helping' ". Yet, when she needs anything tangible, she blows up my phone. Thank god for AT&T and their Smart settings, as I was finally able to block a single number from calling, and not have to hear the daily rants. Now to work on severing the emails, and keeping her off my damned blog. 
But here's the fucked up part. When she went to "the hospital", I literally begged her social worker to keep her from calling me. I begged both of her parents to maybe guide her away from calling me, oh but Hell no. Then her 'daddy' came and got her out, holding proof positive that she actually needed the help. I have literally had 10 total days off without getting some form of communication from her in the last year, and 6 of those were on a cruise. Yes, I was trying to maintain a friendship, but it wasn't on her terms, so I got called names. The real icing on the cake was a gentle conversation that was going well until she hit me again with the "will you go to counseling with me." I said, in a clear and direct tone, "You maybe need to go to some Al-Anon meetings, and learn a little about co-dependency, since you don't think you have any of those traits." She says to me, "Will you go with me?" Seriously? WTF 
Sorry, but I have watched enough "Intervention" to know what tough love is. I have been in relationship with an addict. I know this like the back of my hand. When she went from 'suicidal ideation' to actuation in my coming home to her in a giant puddle of vomit and unresponsive, I went tough love. The social worker came in and was talking to both of us. I looked at her, half of her face still affected by the 'couple of remnant bottles of Klonpin' and LAMICTAL (a major anti-epileptic), and slurring her words. I was the one sitting there with my mouth open listening to her slur to the SW that she had taken an OD amount to take a 'nap'. She then began to pick at her IV when she realized that she couldn't pull some shit like that and just go home thinking that there would be no consequences. I was the one sitting there watching EIGHT people hold her down. I watched as her struggle changed the catheter angle, and when the nurse tried to replace it, she literally screamed "RAAAAAAAPPPPPEE" at the top of her lungs with 5 people in the room. I was finally able to witness how her mind processes information, in that, she witnesses things and immediately changes the story so that she looks like an innocent. I looked at the SW and said, "Do you think I feel safe?" That was the last time anyone in the system did anything for me. 
Oh I got the promises and assurances from her parents telling me that she wouldn't be there when I completed a move I wasn't planning for, yet her father sat there and let her talk to me like a fucking dog, parked the Jeep and trailer across the driveway so the moving van couldn't pull in, and didn't even think the Jeep was an issue until they'd been loading for an hour. Today, after yet another DEMAND, of astronomical confusion, and little regard for other people having their own shit to do, the bastard sent me an email saying "So you're just going to leave the dogs there with no food or water until we get back?" When the FUCK did I become the only parental figure in the life of a grown, 35 year-old, who claims to have TONS of friends who can help her? I had someone arranged to care for the animals, and she told him he wasn't welcome in her house, and to get the keys back to me ASAP. I told her to take care of her own shit for a change, and that I was leaving the keys where she, or her agent, could find them, washing my hands of the whole she-bang. She also knew that during this little "couple of weeks" of dog care that turned into a MONTH, that I would be driving nearly 100 miles round trip, daily. I chose someone she USED to trust who lives much much closer, but because she thinks today, that she didn't "approve" of the change that she knew about a week ago, I get the daily onslaught of abuse, after I blocked her number, she again DEMANDED that I be the only one she trusted in her house. She then went on to tell several friends that "the crazy cunt" had threatened to take her dogs to the pound, once again pulling the pity card. Yeah. I have multiple witnesses to everything I have done over the last month, and between us, know that NO SUCH THING EVER CAME OUT OF MY MOUTH. WE know whose idea that was because the ex cannot even take care of herself. 
I read her latest blog about "What You Owe Me" and countered it with "well, you OWE ME 337 days of my life, and $3000 of equipment that she demanded be removed from her house the day I moved, while telling her I had no place for it. When my bike gets back from the shop, I'll be sure to send you the bill for the repairs it needs after you fucked with it the day I left." Always straight for the jugular. 
What IS IT that causes someone who is obviously not wanted in your life, to attempt to force their way in? I am just stunned. Nothing I have done over the last 2 months has indicated that I wanted to continue in a relationship with her. Yet, I am her go-to for everything. She gets something in her head, and hell or high water, she is going to get it, no matter who or what is in her way. 
The primary reason for our break-up is that the constant management of her "issues" preceded any actual need that I had. The FIVE legal cases that are on-going, the complaints, the grievances, the attorneys, the doctors, and the FOUR "hospitalizations" since February. The fact that she could sling the fuck yous, and name calling, and abusive days/weeks and think that I didn't deserve an apology because there was always justification...in HER mind. There were so many compelling reasons for me to leave, and I didn't. When I finally did, her abuse escalated to great new heights, which, by the way, weren't even exacted upon me by a medically diagnosed schizophrenic. Hell, even the schizo apologized to me when she was properly medicated. Blame it on whatever she wants, but uh, Welbutrin doesn't make you lose your mind and cause you to wreak havoc on another person's life because they are choosing, for whatever reason, to NOT BE UNDER YOUR CONTROLLING WHIMS. I have been slandered, defamed, abused, and under constant avail to this nutter, and will NOT be saying anymore about it. If for whatever reason, you, whoever you are creepy stalker, choose to relay this link to her, my only wish is that you get to experience twice the shit my life has been these last two months. Karma is a bitch, and all I have to do is sit by the river and watch. 

low-light exposure settings

Low light shots are the absolute bane of my existence. I do NOT like the long exposure times. That's impossible for me with musicians because they move so much, unless you are trying to create an effect. I want fast shutter times in live ambient light; high or low.
Damn it. That means another set of settings to change the f/ stop numbers. I need to spend an evening practicing. Maybe I could luck up and catch a storm off in the distance. I could call Billielee and see if she has a distant view. That's out near the Devil's Backbone. (NOT a night ride, because of all the deer.) Nah, I'd be imposing.


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Catching up

So what was going on a couple of weeks ago? The only way I can describe it is as a full-on Tropical Depression, and not of the weather kind.
For weeks I have been posting about the weather, and everyone asks me, or talks to me about it, not realizing the cliché. (When someone talks about the weather there is usually something personal they'd rather talk about.)
Odd, but I really didn't want to talk about what was going on with me then. So many lessons were being thrown at me. I couldn't keep up with it all.
Bottom line is that I have loved people, but I have not allowed myself to be in love for 12 years. I think I finally understand love like an Inuit understands snow.
I still don't know if I am ready, but I think I am becoming more and more open to it every day. I need to let someone in. I admit that I have high expectations, yet they are in range. It's amazing number of people that a simple rule like "no cheating" offends. LOL I've spent a large part of my adult life with cheaters. You will not get away with it. So, just fess up, leave me my power of choice. That is an issue that I feel very strongly about. I have had people swear on a stack of bibles that I was cheating on them, and it couldn't have been further from the truth. They were actually the ones doing the cheating. In my life there is zero tolerance for finding out about it on my own. Be an adult. If you're even thinking of cheating, finish what is on your plate before you fill up another one, ya know? I think it is the simplest and kindest courtesy you can give another human.

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Training Days Pt 1

I've been consistent with the way I have trained Bayo. My Mom says that I talk to her like a small child. I agree because technically she is roughly 3 years old mentally. She can be quiet all day then have a melt down over nothing, she only seems to want to talk to me when I am on the phone, a good meal makes her pass out, and it's food in food out. I call meal time "reloading."
I am loving this dog. She is a pure jackass sometimes, but when she is being sweet it is just southern belle drippy sweet. Totally has me wrapped around her finger. Alas, she fell in love with a big black man named Duke. (He is a lab-something huge, probably Great Dane mix, LOL). He makes her goofy.
The funny part is that I feel like I am growing up another step with the way this dog is teaching me about love. Occasionally, you want to play with someone who only barks at you, and other times, you get to be goofy and show your feelings, and still with all the growing, it will still be ok to run to Mama cause she loves you regardless and will keep you safe from the scary kitty.
I am beginning to open up more and it feels good. I had myself in a nasty mood a couple of weeks ago, and just didn't feel like writing about it. I will in time. there are still lessons coming from it.
Oh well time for sleep. If you want to hear about something else, just let me know.


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The Steppes of My Mind

This sweet puppy is chasing big dogs in her dreams. She has adopted a new habit of crawling up on the couch with me and napping in the evenings.
It's a totally new experience. She just settles in and passes out. She needs to be touching me with some part of her body, and she likes to bury her head.
The sun is about to come up. I should wake her and take her out to go. She's sound asleep. Part of me wants to curl her up into her house, and call it a night. The other part knows better. She will show her ass until I take her out.




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