Finally! No one cares what I think! All my life I have been working to ostracize myself into oblivion, and I've levied the final state tax on ever having a social life again. I've pissed off everyone to the point that I can't even get a ride to an appointment 9 miles from my house in my own car. Do I feel self-pity? Not a damn drop. Seriously. I have gone out of my fucking way to maintain every fucking friendship I have ever had as long as I have been alive, broken myself physically and fiscally to do so, and where are they now? Not the fuck here. I stop, the relationship stops. It is really ok. It's become such a fucking hassle with all these damn high maintenance people today, and their -isms and made-up phobias, and neuroses. I cannot keep up. Hell, I have trouble keeping up with names of new people any more. I admit to being jaded against the "friends" I made in the Deep South because for the first time, they made me discern, and use the term loosely, whereas before, I used it freely.
That said, I have been incredibly resistant to metering my thoughts about new people. I want them, but I don't. I am right in the middle of the fence. I want it to be easy like it used to be, but I know it's not because I've tried. It seems like work. I don't just click with anyone any more because my standards are higher, and my tolerance for bullshit is zero. I haven't really left my home so that's made it even harder for meet people. It's worked out because I haven't had the energy to meet new folks, and the hurt from the broken friendships were still stinging, so no need to punish the new folks with the baggage of the old folks. It gave me time to get to know myself again outside the shadow of a relationship, so that was good it a great number of ways. I didn't used to be complicated, but it appears that I am, or I just lied to myself for a very long time.
So, in the attempt to meet new people, I opened up my old profile on OKCupid as the half-assed fluke it did turn out to be. However, it was where I found the woman I want to be with. She actually found me. She found me and messaged me a month ago. I would have never guessed her to be interested because of the age difference (15y), and her being cute as hell. I say that because most of the women I've been contacted by on there have just been strange as Hell. Over-size, aggressive, flat affect, beige; not FlyersFan. She's dynamic, and animated, but boy she has a hyperbolic temper, especially when it comes to things I say via text. She has blown up on me a few times about things that SHE has misunderstood, but fuck me if she could ever admit to being wrong. So the one night she is open and vulnerable and willing to talk, I'm asleep. Any other time, I'm just fucking... The red-headed step child. I can't say anything right, and then she somehow turns it back on me that I'm being insecure. I'm supposed to believe that today she's been asleep for 8 hours and hasn't had shit to say. I finally say some things I've been wanting to say, and I get silence and the cold shoulder. Why am I doing this to myself?
It should be so easy. I'm a good person. I'm easy to get along with. I've bent over backwards for her. Still, she pushes me away. I don't get it. She keeps pulling back, telling me I am insecure. Yet, I don't feel insecure. I feel disappointed, rejected, somehow less than. I look around, there's no competition, so it's even more insulting. I'd understand if there were some younger, slimmer cutie involved in the picture. To my knowledge, there isn't . But, my knowledge is limited at best. I know nothing. You know what? I laid it out there today, it didn't get thrown back in my face, it didn't get lobbed over the proverbial fence. It laid there like a well-hidden Easter egg waiting for a weed eater to crack it open and release the decay a year later.
I don't know. I think sleep is in order. I've thought too much today and my head hurts among other things that don't matter. It'll be ok. I'm that survivor. I always end up floating and ok, no matter what happens.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad Retina
That said, I have been incredibly resistant to metering my thoughts about new people. I want them, but I don't. I am right in the middle of the fence. I want it to be easy like it used to be, but I know it's not because I've tried. It seems like work. I don't just click with anyone any more because my standards are higher, and my tolerance for bullshit is zero. I haven't really left my home so that's made it even harder for meet people. It's worked out because I haven't had the energy to meet new folks, and the hurt from the broken friendships were still stinging, so no need to punish the new folks with the baggage of the old folks. It gave me time to get to know myself again outside the shadow of a relationship, so that was good it a great number of ways. I didn't used to be complicated, but it appears that I am, or I just lied to myself for a very long time.
So, in the attempt to meet new people, I opened up my old profile on OKCupid as the half-assed fluke it did turn out to be. However, it was where I found the woman I want to be with. She actually found me. She found me and messaged me a month ago. I would have never guessed her to be interested because of the age difference (15y), and her being cute as hell. I say that because most of the women I've been contacted by on there have just been strange as Hell. Over-size, aggressive, flat affect, beige; not FlyersFan. She's dynamic, and animated, but boy she has a hyperbolic temper, especially when it comes to things I say via text. She has blown up on me a few times about things that SHE has misunderstood, but fuck me if she could ever admit to being wrong. So the one night she is open and vulnerable and willing to talk, I'm asleep. Any other time, I'm just fucking... The red-headed step child. I can't say anything right, and then she somehow turns it back on me that I'm being insecure. I'm supposed to believe that today she's been asleep for 8 hours and hasn't had shit to say. I finally say some things I've been wanting to say, and I get silence and the cold shoulder. Why am I doing this to myself?
It should be so easy. I'm a good person. I'm easy to get along with. I've bent over backwards for her. Still, she pushes me away. I don't get it. She keeps pulling back, telling me I am insecure. Yet, I don't feel insecure. I feel disappointed, rejected, somehow less than. I look around, there's no competition, so it's even more insulting. I'd understand if there were some younger, slimmer cutie involved in the picture. To my knowledge, there isn't . But, my knowledge is limited at best. I know nothing. You know what? I laid it out there today, it didn't get thrown back in my face, it didn't get lobbed over the proverbial fence. It laid there like a well-hidden Easter egg waiting for a weed eater to crack it open and release the decay a year later.
I don't know. I think sleep is in order. I've thought too much today and my head hurts among other things that don't matter. It'll be ok. I'm that survivor. I always end up floating and ok, no matter what happens.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad Retina
Location:Winston Salem,United States
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